I have avoided talking or thinking about this subject for a long time. I have very recently started to accept what i had been dealing with or deal with from time to time ever since my son was born.
Growing up, I had seen my mom and a lot of other women close to me suffer with postpartum depression, I remember my young stupid self thinking ” I am never going to be like that when I have a child” as if these women were making themselves suffer on purpose. As I grew older I realized how serious depression or any mental health illness is, having a child is completely life changing, there is no going back to how you life was before you had child.
Friday 28th April 2017 at 6am, my husband, Alex and I were on our way to the hospital where I was going to be induced, I was nervous but I was so ready to have Isaiah in my arms, I just wanted to be a mom. As soon as he was born it felt completely different, I felt so much love my heart could explode, for my little boy, my husband GOD! I felt that motherly love for every nurse and OB in that room! I WAS A MOM, that is all I have ever wanted.
The first couple of weeks, I was so complete, I was tired, swollen and in so much pain but Isaiah just made me forget about it all. Midway through the third week I slowly started feel down and every day it got a little worse, I went from feeling so happy and content to just sad, depressed and feeling like a failure. It started when I was unable to produce milk, I felt like I had let Isaiah down, I didn’t feel like a woman let alone a mother, i felt like i wasn’t able to give him what he needed and that he would just grow to hate me, feeling like a complete failure of a mother and a wife. It was difficult adjusting to a new lifestyle and not being able to rest even if i wanted to because I was constantly worried and scared about Isaiah not breathing and the more time that passed the worse i started feel. I never at any point loved him any less or ever felt like i did not want him, i just wanted to give him the best.
I mentioned at the beginning that there came a point where I accepted that what I was going through was depression and that it is absolutely normal to go through this after having such a big change in my life. It wasn’t easy, it took a lot patience, a lot help from my husband, Dr and family members but eventually I got better I rediscovered the joy that I once felt but one hundred times better. I knew it didn’t make me a bad mother if my child wasn’t breastfed and I told myself I am not going to let anything or anyone affect the way I feel. There are still days where I feel down, depressed, overwhelmed and even question myself but i take those moments to look at Isaiah and to see how happy and healthy he is and tell myself I am not doing a bad job!
If you’re going through or have gone through something similar do not ignore it. Seeking help from a medical professional doesn’t make you a bad mom or a failure, it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your baby. Postpartum depression is not something you can overcome by yourself, It is important to have a strong support network and to turn to those who you trust and love, get the help that you need, making sure you communicate and you tell someone how you feel, taking out time for yourself and allowing someone to take care of you too.
There are help lines that support mothers who suffer with Postpartum Depression
The website linked below can give you more information on postpartum depression and there is also a hotline, live chat and an email you can contact them on, if you ever wanted to talk to anyone.
Crisis line (In An Emergency)
- Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the USA, anytime, about any type of crisis.
There is also a site for new fathers and family members
*I am in no way sponsored by these organizations*